I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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