batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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