I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
