so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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