I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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