I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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