You can't special order awesome
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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