I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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