I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
