so that wasnt chicken after all
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
