She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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