Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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