Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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