Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
