Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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