And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
