You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
