Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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