yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
two words...techno handjob
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
