just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I want to fling myself into the sun
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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