I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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