wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
