When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
