just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
