Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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