I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
