I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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