Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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