One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
