god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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