The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dignity is for republicans.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
