I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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