I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
