I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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