my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
