I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
