omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
