I'm eating all of the evidence.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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