I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
