Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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