I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize