My cat gives me a boner
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
