I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
