The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
