We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
How's work?
Spinning.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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