Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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