Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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