So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Duck Duck Cougar?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
