Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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