I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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