I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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