I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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