I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Randomize
