NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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