I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
