I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
