dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
