I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
