Swine flu is the new snow day.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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