forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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