i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
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