This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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