ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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