Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
