I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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