she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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